Yes, you read that right. My baby factory is closed, no more babies for me. I’ve got two beautiful girls already and I am completely happy with that. I felt like writing this post because I’ve had many negative reactions when people find out my tubes are tied, and I wanted to write this to explain why I did, and why it’s no ones fucking business.
“Oh, but you’re so young!”
I know, 27 is a young age to have gotten my tubes tied. I got my tubes tied at an age when many women I know have not even had their first kid. But, I had my kids young. If you know me or read my first blog post, you’ll know that I got pregnant with my first daughter at 20 and had her at 21. And there was actually a time when my husband and I thought that having just one child would be more than enough for us. But I got pregnant at 26 and decided then that I didn’t want anymore children.
I remember telling my midwife while I was pregnant with my second daughter that I wanted to get my tubes tied: “Since I’ll already be open during the C-section, can you just tie my tubes?” And she only asked me one time if I was sure and I told her “Yes, I’m sure.” I signed some paperwork and got my tubes tied right after I had Emilia.
I had two C-sections, two major surgeries with enormous risks. I had a traumatic delivery with my first daughter, I lost a lot of blood and almost died. I’ll go into more detail about that in another post. But I’m relieved that I won’t have to worry about another C-section in the future.
“But you make such beautiful babies!”
I mean, of course I do, but that’s not reason enough to have more children. Honestly, I didn’t want the hubbs and I to be outnumbered. And…
HAVING CHILDREN IS A BIG FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY!!!
I mean, we’re in charge of raising two tiny humans that we will eventually send out into the world. I’m trying not to raise little entitled assholes but raise kind, strong and independent women. That takes a lot of work, especially since they are both very different and one thing might not work for the other. Not to mention the financial burden and the physical and mental strain of being pregnant.
There are times when I feel sad that I won’t have anymore babies but I know that getting my tubes tied was the best decision for me. Having children was a decision my husband and I did not take lightly. And neither was the decision not to have anymore. We’re trying to be the best parents we could be and two is the perfect number for us.
This is always the first question I get asked by people when they hear I’m vegan. I don’t mind it as long as people don’t use it as an opportunity to talk shit and try and make me feel bad. It’s happened a lot but I always try and think that I was once in their shoes. But I’ll discuss that more in a bit.
First, let me start off this by clarifying that vegan and plant-based are not the same and shouldn’t be used interchangeably. Veganism is a lifestyle where you do not eat or use animal products. It also extends into not supporting businesses that test on or exploit animals for entertainment. While it is very difficult to live a life without harming animals in some way, it is still worth it to vegans to try and live their life that way. Now plant-based is just a diet. Of course plant-based falls under the vegan umbrella since there is no consumption of animal products but it ends at that: diet. I’ll include a link at the bottom for anyone who’s wants more details on this but on to my story.
I grew up in a Puerto Rican household where most of our dinners contained meat and breakfast was not breakfast if there weren’t eggs. I loved it all: meat, cheese and eggs. And being from the Bronx, NY, the best fucking breakfast of all was the bacon, egg and cheese on a roll. And I was that person who thought vegans and vegetarians were crazy. So when my cousin became vegetarian, I shook my head in disbelief, and I felt bad for her. Why would anyone deprive themselves of such wonderful food? And if you had told me then that I would be vegan years later, I probably would’ve told you to fuck off, then I’d eat a cheeseburger. So why the hell did I go vegan?
Simply put, I went vegan for ethical reasons.
It started in December 2012, when I went vegetarian. One night, I was preparing dinner, which included chicken legs, and one of the legs was broken. Did this chicken break its leg trying to escape from its horrible fate? Probably not, but I thought of how scared it must have been, crammed into a cage with so many other chickens destined to die and wind up on someone’s plate. I started to realize that this leg was a part of a living thing. A being with the same desire to live as I do. And I teared up at the thought as I continued to prepare dinner.
Usually when I had these thoughts, I would quickly push them aside. Meat tasted too good to worry about it. But I couldn’t shake that damned broken chicken leg. And of course later on, we were watching a movie and in one of the scenes, the character was walking through Chinatown and passed a barrel of frogs. I’d passed one of these same barrels as a teenager shopping in Chinatown, watching many frogs trying to leap out and hop away but that never happened. I looked at my husband and I asked him “what would you think if I became vegetarian?” And he told me “I don’t care what you eat or what you don’t eat, but don’t expect me to go vegetarian, that will never happen.” He went vegetarian for a year, a few years after this conversation but that’s another topic to discuss later.
That night I text my cousin, the same one who I gave shit to for being vegetarian years before, and told her I was thinking of becoming a vegetarian myself. She was so supportive and I leaned on her and continue to lean on her throughout my journey. (I love you boo!) I quit meat cold turkey and for me it was easy, I really don’t miss it. I believed then and now that killing an animal for my own pleasure and convenience is not a way I want to live.
But I had no intention of becoming vegan. I thought it was too extreme and too difficult to even try. So for the next few months, I was happily a vegetarian. Of course all my family and friends gave me shit for it but I knew I was doing the right thing for me so that’s all that mattered. In April of 2013, I was looking up recipes and I came across a tofu recipe that was prepared vegan and it seemed simple enough. Then I thought: if I care about the lives of animals, then that naturally extends to veganism. I was still contributing to animal suffering by drinking milk and eating eggs and cheese.
So I started to do my research on how to become vegan. I learned A LOT and realized that there are so many things that I was eating that have animal products. Like some brands of salt and vinegar chips have milk in them. Seriously, why the fuck is there milk powder in salt and vinegar chips?! Anyway, I first stopped drinking milk and eating eggs and cheese, but it took longer to find products that didn’t contain animal fat and other by-products. But I did it, I’ve had a few instances where I ate something that I didn’t know had milk or some other animal ingredient in it. And I recently had a super drunk night out with the hubbs where I ate pizza. But other than that, I shouldn’t have any visits from the vegan police.
I’m coming up on my sixth veganniversary this April and I couldn’t be happier with my decision. Becoming vegan has been such an incredible adventure for me. Discovering new foods that I would have never tried if I was still eating meat. The shit I get from people just comes with the territory. And while many people think being a vegan makes me soft or weak, I think otherwise. I believe it takes a lot of courage to go against the grain and to stand up for what you believe in. Being vegan is my choice, one that I made happily. And the only regret I have with being vegan is that I didn’t do it sooner.
And for any of you who are interested in learning about becoming vegan, I’ll include some links at the bottom.
The narcissists, spiritual vampires, jealous and judgmental people, liars and drama magnets. I’ve dealt with almost every kind of toxic person there is and if I’m being honest, I have been a toxic person in past relationships. I’ve made people feel like shit about their life because I was jealous of them. I have tried to manipulate and control another person’s actions because I felt my way was better than theirs. And I’ve most certainly lied to people to get what I want. There was a time in my life where I was a shitty person because I was so selfish and didn’t give a fuck about anyone else.
I’d like to think I’m a better person now, that I’m not a shitty person but just a bitch. And I honestly credit my relationship with my husband that made me a less selfish person. (Thanks baby!) But I’ll talk more about that in another blog post.
This is in no way a post offering advice on how to remove toxic people from your life because I have no fucking clue. With this post, I really wanted to talk about my personal struggle with toxic people in my life and how hard of a time I’m having. And any advice or experiences you readers would like to share I would really appreciate it. So let’s get to it.
Some of you may have heard the Polish expression: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Basically saying not your drama, not your problem. But what if it’s not your circus but those are most definitely your mutha fuckin’ monkeys? What if the drama doesn’t involve you but involves a very close friend or a close relative? Is it easy then to say “not my problem”? Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. And therein lies my struggle.
Ok, so I have an Uncle Bob. Bob is cool as fuck and I love him with all my heart, but he’s got problems. Uncle Bob is a toxic person. Every time I talk to Uncle Bob, he has a new problem he’s facing: something at work, problems with his girlfriends and so many others. I might not be his favorite niece but he talks to me because I’m the only one who really listens. He can go on and on as long as I’ll let him, and it can be a while, especially if he’s had a few beers. I always offer a solution to the problems he has: don’t like your job Uncle Bob? Find a new one. Your nephew is mooching off you? Kick his ass out and cut him off. But the problem is, Uncle Bob doesn’t really want my advice, he doesn’t actually want solutions to his problems, he just wants me and everyone else to feel sorry for him. And Uncle Bob would constantly criticize what I was doing in my life. Any accomplishment I brought to him would be shot down and he would wind up talking about himself. Most of this bothered me but I still kept in contact with him because he’s my uncle. But the constant complaining made my anxiety worse, I was worrying about him all the time and always trying to help him. It wasn’t until Uncle Bob accused me of stealing money from him that I cut off contact from him. I was hurt that he thought I could do that to him. I had my limit and he crossed it. And I wish he wasn’t as fucked up as he is, and that our relationship could be better, but until Uncle Bob changes his toxic behavior, I just can’t have the same relationship with him. It was making me suffer mentally and emotionally.
While I have gotten a lot better at distancing myself and cutting toxic people out of my life completely, sometimes I’m pulled back into the drama. And whenever I do help a toxic person, it’s always out of guilt. I feel guilty for not helping because I’ve known them a long time or because they are a family member. But I get burned every single time and it really fucks with me. I want to be a supportive person but it never works with toxic people because it’s all about them. They take what they want from you, make you feel like it wasn’t enough and will never apologize to you. And there will always be a problem that they need help solving. But I just can’t do it anymore. I really just want to leave all this toxicity behind me.
With this being the last day of 2018, I’ve looked back on what this year has taught me. This year I’ve realized which people really have my back. Its a small number of people but it’s better that way. I’ve learned that people who wish me well to my face actually wish for me to fail behind my back. I’ve been lied to countless times and bled emotionally dry. And I thank each and everyone of you toxic bastards for teaching me to stay the fuck away from you. I want 2019 to have as little drama as possible, surely a lot less than this year.
I truly wish everyone a wonderful new year! I hope your 2019 is filled with great company, amazing sex and lots of laughter.
Well, to be honest, I’m not sure who I will reach with this new blog of mine. I contemplated even writing one, with so many people having a blog of their own, and wondering what I have to offer. But after a good talk with my husband, I realized that this will really be more of an online journal of sorts. A way for me to vent and get my feelings out there, while simultaneously letting someone experiencing the same shit realize that they aren’t alone.
So, for those of you curious enough to make your way here, I welcome you.
My name is Toniann, two names, Toni and Ann. I’ve heard almost all different ways people think my name is pronounced and sometimes it’s funny, and other times it’s just fucking annoying. Depends on the day and how I’m feeling. I’m a Taurus, born May 7: mess with the bull and you get the fucking horns! I have two older brothers, making me the baby in my family. My father sadly passed away in 2015 and my mother is currently living in Las Vegas. My favorite movie is the Goonies, honestly the best movie ever made, and if you haven’t seen it, I’m not sure we could ever be friends. I’m married and have 2 daughters and also 2 cats. I would have a dog but I am allergic and not social enough to have one. And yes, as my blog name states, I am vegan, have been since 2013. I will most definitely be dedicating blog posts to my vegan life and struggles.
Anyway, a quick summary of my life for those who don’t know who I am.
I was born and raised in the Bronx, NY. I dropped out of Lehman College after a year and left to live with my now-husband in Boston, MA when I was 19 and got engaged soon after. Then, after a few months, we left and spent 7 glorious years in the sunshine state of Florida. During that time, I got pregnant at 20, married a few months after and had my first daughter Isabella at 21. Yes, I spent my 21st birthday pregnant, but to be fair, I did plenty of illegal drinking before then. The hubbs and I moved around Central Florida for a few years and after a visit to Las Vegas in 2017 I realized I wanted the west coast to be my home. Something about being surrounded by mountains just made me feel calm. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I was pregnant with our second daughter at 26 when I made this realization. So, after lots of research, planning, the birth of our second daughter Emilia, and 3 months apart, we settled here in the great state of Arizona in July of 2017.
Whew, what a journey it’s been.
It is now almost the end of 2018 and I am hoping that this blog will help at least one person, even if that one person is myself.
I hope you are as excited as I am, and if you aren’t, oh well.
Toniann, Jonathan, Isabella and Emilia Christmas Eve 2018