Ugh, Toxic People

The narcissists, spiritual vampires, jealous and judgmental people, liars and drama magnets. I’ve dealt with almost every kind of toxic person there is and if I’m being honest, I have been a toxic person in past relationships. I’ve made people feel like shit about their life because I was jealous of them. I have tried to manipulate and control another person’s actions because I felt my way was better than theirs. And I’ve most certainly lied to people to get what I want. There was a time in my life where I was a shitty person because I was so selfish and didn’t give a fuck about anyone else.

I’d like to think I’m a better person now, that I’m not a shitty person but just a bitch. And I honestly credit my relationship with my husband that made me a less selfish person. (Thanks baby!) But I’ll talk more about that in another blog post.

This is in no way a post offering advice on how to remove toxic people from your life because I have no fucking clue. With this post, I really wanted to talk about my personal struggle with toxic people in my life and how hard of a time I’m having. And any advice or experiences you readers would like to share I would really appreciate it. So let’s get to it.

Some of you may have heard the Polish expression: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Basically saying not your drama, not your problem. But what if it’s not your circus but those are most definitely your mutha fuckin’ monkeys? What if the drama doesn’t involve you but involves a very close friend or a close relative? Is it easy then to say “not my problem”? Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. And therein lies my struggle.

Ok, so I have an Uncle Bob. Bob is cool as fuck and I love him with all my heart, but he’s got problems. Uncle Bob is a toxic person. Every time I talk to Uncle Bob, he has a new problem he’s facing: something at work, problems with his girlfriends and so many others. I might not be his favorite niece but he talks to me because I’m the only one who really listens. He can go on and on as long as I’ll let him, and it can be a while, especially if he’s had a few beers. I always offer a solution to the problems he has: don’t like your job Uncle Bob? Find a new one. Your nephew is mooching off you? Kick his ass out and cut him off. But the problem is, Uncle Bob doesn’t really want my advice, he doesn’t actually want solutions to his problems, he just wants me and everyone else to feel sorry for him. And Uncle Bob would constantly criticize what I was doing in my life. Any accomplishment I brought to him would be shot down and he would wind up talking about himself. Most of this bothered me but I still kept in contact with him because he’s my uncle. But the constant complaining made my anxiety worse, I was worrying about him all the time and always trying to help him. It wasn’t until Uncle Bob accused me of stealing money from him that I cut off contact from him. I was hurt that he thought I could do that to him. I had my limit and he crossed it. And I wish he wasn’t as fucked up as he is, and that our relationship could be better, but until Uncle Bob changes his toxic behavior, I just can’t have the same relationship with him. It was making me suffer mentally and emotionally.

While I have gotten a lot better at distancing myself and cutting toxic people out of my life completely, sometimes I’m pulled back into the drama. And whenever I do help a toxic person, it’s always out of guilt. I feel guilty for not helping because I’ve known them a long time or because they are a family member. But I get burned every single time and it really fucks with me. I want to be a supportive person but it never works with toxic people because it’s all about them. They take what they want from you, make you feel like it wasn’t enough and will never apologize to you. And there will always be a problem that they need help solving. But I just can’t do it anymore. I really just want to leave all this toxicity behind me.

With this being the last day of 2018, I’ve looked back on what this year has taught me. This year I’ve realized which people really have my back. Its a small number of people but it’s better that way. I’ve learned that people who wish me well to my face actually wish for me to fail behind my back. I’ve been lied to countless times and bled emotionally dry. And I thank each and everyone of you toxic bastards for teaching me to stay the fuck away from you. I want 2019 to have as little drama as possible, surely a lot less than this year.

I truly wish everyone a wonderful new year! I hope your 2019 is filled with great company, amazing sex and lots of laughter.

Finishing out the year at a wine festival December 2018. Cheers!

-Toniann


Shit, another blog

Well, to be honest, I’m not sure who I will reach with this new blog of mine. I contemplated even writing one, with so many people having a blog of their own, and wondering what I have to offer. But after a good talk with my husband, I realized that this will really be more of an online journal of sorts. A way for me to vent and get my feelings out there, while simultaneously letting someone experiencing the same shit realize that they aren’t alone. 

So, for those of you curious enough to make your way here, I welcome you. 

My name is Toniann, two names, Toni and Ann. I’ve heard almost all different ways people think my name is pronounced and sometimes it’s funny, and other times it’s just fucking annoying. Depends on the day and how I’m feeling. I’m a Taurus, born May 7: mess with the bull and you get the fucking horns! I have two older brothers, making me the baby in my family. My father sadly passed away in 2015 and my mother is currently living in Las Vegas. My favorite movie is the Goonies, honestly the best movie ever made, and if you haven’t seen it, I’m not sure we could ever be friends. I’m married and have 2 daughters and also 2 cats. I would have a dog but I am allergic and not social enough to have one. And yes, as my blog name states, I am vegan, have been since 2013. I will most definitely be dedicating blog posts to my vegan life and struggles. 

Anyway, a quick summary of my life for those who don’t know who I am.

I was born and raised in the Bronx, NY. I dropped out of Lehman College after a year and left to live with my now-husband in Boston, MA when I was 19 and got engaged soon after. Then, after a few months, we left and spent 7 glorious years in the sunshine state of Florida. During that time, I got pregnant at 20, married a few months after and had my first daughter Isabella at 21. Yes, I spent my 21st birthday pregnant, but to be fair, I did plenty of illegal drinking before then. The hubbs and I moved around Central Florida for a few years and after a visit to Las Vegas in 2017 I realized I wanted the west coast to be my home. Something about being surrounded by mountains just made me feel calm. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I was pregnant with our second daughter at 26 when I made this realization. So, after lots of research, planning, the birth of our second daughter Emilia, and 3 months apart, we settled here in the great state of Arizona in July of  2017.

Whew, what a journey it’s been.

It is now almost the end of 2018 and I am hoping that this blog will help at least one person, even if that one person is myself. 

I hope you are as excited as I am, and if you aren’t, oh well. 

-Toniann

christmas2018

Toniann, Jonathan, Isabella and Emilia Christmas Eve 2018