Outgrowing People & My Own Toxic Behaviors

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Yesterday, I turned 30! I’m at an age I was so anxious to reach. But honestly, it’s given me a chance to reflect on my 20s and really take stock of myself and the kind of person I would like to be going into this new decade of life.

I would be remiss if I didn’t admit to the countless times I’ve been the toxic person in many situations in the past. And I’m sorry for that. No one is perfect. I get angry, jealous, I gossip about people; I compare myself to others, and look for validation from other people. Honestly, it’s exhausting.

I’ve always tried to stand firm on keeping myself away from people who bring too much drama in my life, but somehow, I still find myself participating.

People who thrive on negativity are just not the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I do believe you spiritually outgrow people. There comes a time when you realize that NOT feeding into drama is the best solution. “When you starve drama of your energy and attention, it fades into oblivion.”

One of the most toxic traits of mine that I would like to leave behind is negative self-talk. With the ongoing pandemic keeping us at home, I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to focus on my mental health but…

I’ve been really hard on myself lately. Having to homeschool my daughter with a toddler demanding every bit of my attention has been fucking hard. I’ve lost my patience too many times. And I wind up laying in bed at night, believing that I have failed both my daughters in some way.

As far as homeschooling is concerned, I am thankful to only have one school-aged child. I see you mamas out there with more than one child in school, I can’t even imagine the struggle! I recently had a video conference with my daughter’s teacher, and she told me not to worry so much. My daughter is doing well in her schoolwork and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. And that was just what I needed to hear. It felt like a weight was lifted off of my chest.

I wish I could do that on my own. I need to be able to tell myself that I’m doing ok, great, even. That my efforts aren’t going unnoticed and my family is thriving because of everything I do for them.

You would think me being home all day means that I could get a lot more done.

NO FUCKING WAY!

The only way I can actually get stuff done throughout the day is if I plop my kids in front of the television for hours at a time. And I do that, even if it’s just to give me a moment of peace. Yet, I still beat myself up for that. I tell myself I should have played with them more, I should have yelled less and snuggled more. But I am doing my best, which isn’t that bad.

I’m also going to stop taking things personally. My anxiety makes me believe that if someone is angry, upset or sad, that it is somehow because of something I did. It’s a dangerous road to head on. I no longer want to go through that kind of thought process. It’s mentally and emotionally draining.

The one thing that I always come back to is staying off of social media. The happiest I’ve been is when I’m off of ALL types of social media. Social media balls up everything I’ve listed up above: comparing myself to others (so-and-so just went on another vacation, I’d like to go on vacation!), taking things personally (everyone’s gotten together to hang out, why wasn’t I invited?), and negative self-talk. I truly believe if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. If I don’t see everyone’s posts, I can’t get sucked into unnecessary drama and I don’t take things personally.

I know that outgrowing certain people and leaving my own toxic traits behind will be the ultimate form of mental self-care. With everything going on in the world, I could use every kind of self-care there is.

In the end, I’m not perfect, no one is. But I’m going to try my best to leave all the toxic shit behind me.

I am an amazing person. I am a badass mother. I am a wonderful wife. And I am ready to grow into the best version of myself. Bring it on 30!

Happy 30th birthday to me!

-Toniann